Are You A Carpenter Parent, Or A Gardener?

We've heard of helicopter parents. And tiger parents. But have you heard of carpenter parents? Or gardener ones?

Alison Gopnik, an American professor of Psychology and Philosophy talks about these in her book ‘The Gardener and the Carpenter’. She explains:

A ‘Carpenter’ parent has a blueprint. They believe if they follow the right techniques, use the right tools, and avoid mistakes, their child will 'turn out' a certain way - maybe as a successful engineer, or a polite citizen, or a violin-playing prodigy. 

A ‘Gardener’ parent knows they can’t control how a seed will grow. What they can do is create a nourishing environment - rich soil, sunlight, water, space. They let go of shaping the outcome and instead focus on nurturing growth. Challenges the “achievement-first” culture that prizes result over process.

Someone recently suggested that I read this book. “Why would I read a parenting book?” was my immediate response. But on a closer look, I realised that it’s not a parenting how-to book. It's a philosophy. And it resonated deeply with me, largely because building KOKOVERSE meant having constant conversations with parents who kept asking: “But how will this make my kid more productive?” or “What’s the outcome of letting them just… create?” 

And that’s when it hit me: Most of our school curriculums, EdTech platforms, and even children’s toys? They’re all made by carpenters.

Forget silver spoons, Gen Alpha was born with a silver iPad in their hand (yes, I said it)! But when it comes to digital tools? They only dabble in EdTech. Or Gaming, which by the way, parents are moving mountains to keep them away from. Because it doesn’t 'yield anything.

Why The Carpenter Metaphor is So Widespread

Simple – it's outcome driven! It can be ‘measured’, can be ‘tracked’, can be ‘analysed’. And so much of it is about control. Restricting what kids do. Measuring their learning. Nudging them towards “right” outcomes.

Think: 

• Early coding classes. 

• Competitive art programs. 

• Apps that track milestones like KPIs. 

Childhood is pre-planned. Milestones are set. You just gotta walk the walk! Millennial parents were raised this way - report cards, test prep, and a constant chase for the next achievement badge.

And nowhere is this more apparent than in many Eastern cultures, especially ours. Think Indian school systems - where marks matter more than the method, and creativity often gets the last hour of the day (if that). Yes, we’re trying to reverse engineer 'entrepreneurial thinking' into classrooms and sprinkle in Western teaching models, but the scaffolding hasn’t changed. Our culture still rewards the same thing: ticking boxes and chasing gold stars. 

We're handing out different crayons but still expecting them to colour inside the lines. 

Why Does The Gardener Metaphor Feel So Challenging? 

As Gopnik writes, “The gardener doesn’t shape the child’s mind; they provide the soil in which minds flourish.” If you think like a gardener, you realise creativity doesn’t come through in rigid structures.

• It needs space. 

• It needs mess. 

• It needs boredom. 

• It needs randomness. 

• 
  

Which also means… it’s hard to plan for. It doesn’t guarantee outcomes. You can’t point to a spreadsheet and say, “Ah, yes - here’s where they discovered their authentic self at 3:47pm on a Tuesday.” 

It feels uncertain. And that’s mildly terrifying when you’re in charge of raising a whole human. 

But the gardener doesn’t panic when things look slow or odd. A plant doesn’t show progress every day either. Sometimes, the best you can do is make sure the plant’s getting light and water, and trust something’s happening under the surface. It requires patience. And more importantly – letting go! 

Carpenter Parent or Gardener... Which One Should You Be? 

Honestly? Maybe neither. Or both. Or some hybrid you invent. Some days might require the meticulousness of a carpenter – structure, guidance, metrics. Other days, just the gentle openness of a gardener – a space to be weird, to be bored, to get it 'wrong', to just... wonder. 

Because we do this to ourselves too, don’t we? We map out perfect careers like blueprints. We build relationships like projects. We try to control outcomes in our own lives - always measuring, always tweaking, always chasing a version of success that 'looks' good.

Parents look at their kids’ best creations and ask - “What is this?”

A dinosaur wearing a saree. A ghost who wants to be a YouTube star. A straw named Sippy, on a mission to save all plastics from the ocean. 

Makes no sense, or does it? 

Now imagine if, instead of asking “What is this?”, we asked “Where were you going with this?” 

That small shift? That might be where all the magic begins.

Want your kid to explore their ideas in a creative garden? We built KOKOVERSE to be just that – to break free from the blueprint mindset and build a space where kids dream it, create it, and share their ideas with their peers. No marks, no gold stars to chase.

Request access now and hand them the tools (and the confidence) to create stories they’re proud of.